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Dad, I Miss You So Much!

Hello beautiful ones!  I pray that all is going exceedingly well with you and yours.

Father’s Day is upon us and, as usual. I’m torn.  On the one hand, I’m happy for everyone celebrating their Father and being celebrated as a Father, my brothers and boyfriend especially.  Yet, I’m also hurting because I can’t celebrate my Father.  I’m a fatherless daughter who misses her Dad more than I ever thought possible.  Every Father’s Day since my dad’s passing in November 2009 has been pretty tough.

I don’t care what anyone says about time healing all wounds.  The death of a parent is something that never goes away.  It does get easier, but I promise you, as the tears are running down my face as I type this, it never goes away.  To give you a little history, my love story with my Dad was not always pleasant.  He was a victim of the Vietnam War so I never truly met my Dad; the US Army stole him from me and, for that, I have to pray hard to not hold onto my anger.  Second, I didn’t grow up with my father.  One day I’ll have to tell you the love story behind the reason why.  Third, we were so alike that we bumped heads all the time, and I do mean ALL the time!  Yet, I was his little Indian girl, his baby girl, his first love (after my Mom).

Wow, this is really hard to write.  If you didn’t know it from my videos  I’m a big crybaby and I feel everything.  But, it’s not just that.  It’s because so many wonderful things have happened in my life over the last 6 years that I wish I could share with him.  All he ever wanted for me was to be successful, to be happy, to be loved.  I wish I could tell him face-to-face that his dreams for me came true and get one of his wet kisses on my forehead or cheek.  I wish I could hug him and actually hear his voice, but I can’t.

Despite the tears and missing him, this year I decided that I will celebrate him instead of being sad by sharing what he taught me about love, what his death taught me & how I continue to honor him.

  • His Lesson: My Dad taught me that love doesn’t always look pretty or make you feel good, but it will always prevail in the end.  Sometimes we have to tell our loved ones things about themselves or do things to save them that are hard for them to swallow.  It’s kinda like when your parents would give you a whipping and tell you that it hurt them more than it hurt you.  At 10 or so, my exact words – in my head (you know good & well I didn’t say this out loud) – were, “you gotta be kidding me…I don’t think so”!  But now, as a mother and having to dish out some tough love to family and friends, I truly understand what they were saying.
    He and I didn’t agree on a lot of things but the one thing I’ll never wonder about is his love for me.

 

  • His Death: Losing my Dad so unexpectedly taught me that life is way too short to be running around with grudges & unforgiveness.  Our time on this earth is limited at best so live every day as if it is your last. Do something kind, smile more, laugh louder, play harder, work less, love more.  Make sure that your loved ones know your heart for them.  Waiting to tell them tomorrow or the next day that you love them or to forgive them may be a mistake you can’t fix; no one is promised tomorrow!

 

  • Honoring Him: My Dad had this crazy idea that I was super smart so he wanted me to get my college degree.  Guess what?  I started my studies in June 2009 prior to his death and he was so happy!  I graduated with my BS in Human Services in December 2014 despite wanting to quit every semester in the last year.  The things we do for our parents!

Today I continue to honor his memory by living as if he can see me and snatch a knot in me if I don’t act right.  I’ve always believed that what I do, what I say, how I look is a reflection of my parents; I will not disrespect them.  Trust me, you won’t see me acting a fool…plus, I’m too old for that kinda nonsense!

Finally, my Dad loved to dress!  Fashion was important to him.  The one thing he agonized over when he became ill was not being able to dress up & look dapper!  It seems my Dad passed his love for dressing up to me.  His style was Chic.Classy.Dapper. and his attention to detail is evident in my Chic.Classy.Spicy. style!

Dad, your Little Indian Girl loves & misses you.  I pray that you’re proud of me!

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  • Zelda Cookie Wade

    Such a beautiful story Tracey. Thanks for sharing your memory. I’m sure he’s looking down on you with a smile as wide as the ocean.💟

  • BoujeeRatchademic

    This seems like an awesome way to honor his memory ❤️❤️ And I’m sure all that you have accomplished is making him proud!

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